Do you remember how we were? Before?

Before I hurt you and you hurt me? Before you hit first but I hit back? Before you said those things and I "forgot" to call? Before we were too busy to write back?

Like every girl I know, I keep a box. Every card I've ever received, notes we've written, pictures we've taken, little mementos. I had to find a picture of myself tonight to cut up for an ID card. And I thought, well how hard can it be? I have boxes and drawers full of pictures, ranging from the end of elementary school when I started borrowing my Dad's camera until the present, so to find just one 'disposable' picture can't be that difficult. But you can't go through boxes like that and not think back. Can't go through cards and not read each one of them again. Can't look at each picture and wonder, what in the hell happened? Where along the way did we mess it all up and either disappear from each other's lives completely, or write the occasional email and make small talk when we run into each other at the mall?

Going through my notes, I'm amazed (and a little embarassed) about how many have of them have coffee/tea stains =(

There's a big Alias-shaped hole in my life =(

A message to last year's me:

Damn girl, you were smart. This year's me is going through all of last year's notes trying to study for the comp and it ain't going so well, clear as mud in fact. Last year me was SO smart that she made all these incredibly insightful, intelligent notes in code! A shorthand decipherable to last year's me alone, leaving this year's me lost in a sea of abbreviations, acronyms and flowcharts because last year's me was too intelligent to write things out in full so they could be understood by this year's mentally drained me. Way to think ahead me...

Tonight I hate Edmonton because...

1. The Oilers won
2. It hit a record 31 degrees Celsius today
3. My room is a sauna with the window closed
4. The hooting/honking has been going on non-stop since 8:30
5. Aforementioned hooting/honking means that trying to sleep with the window open is not an option
6. I slept on the couch last night because of the heat and I have no desire to repeat the experience tonight

Absolutely stifling in Edmonton today. The temperature has reached 30 Celsius and my brains are baking. This kind of weather was made for shorts, tank tops, outdoor beach volleyball and frisbees, NOT multiple 3-inch binders full of notes and review sessions. Dez grumbles and wishes her boy would come back and distract her and that this year were over and done with.

Frantically, frantically stuffing knowledge into brain at the moment. One extra day with the boy = mad studying so I can lessen the guilt over having taken a day off. Lack of studying guilt =) Synonymous (or as the docs say, pathognomonic) for true and out-of-control nerdiness. Seeing as it's Mother's Day, it would only be right for me to give credit where credit is due and let the entire world know that this is all her fault =)


See these two women here? They're personally responsible for my neuroticism and it's why I am where I am today. Happy Mother's Day =)

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20060505.wleah0508/BNStory/Entertainment

I have mixed feelings about this article. Over the years I've seen my share of dysfunctional female relationships. They haven't always involved me directly but enough of them have. When I was in Jr. High, 3 of my girlfriends decided they were no longer friends with my other girlfriend. Apparently her laugh annoyed them. Being the insecure 13 year old girls that we were, myself and another girl stood quietly by and let them do this to her, mentally making notes never to trust any of those 3 again. When we reached Sr. High, one of the 3 wrote the other two a note saying that from now on, she would be eating lunch with L_. And that was the end of that.

On the other side, I've had some fantastic friendships over the years. Friendships that are incredibly supportive, intimate and hysterically fun. Some of these have lasted decades, others are shorter and I wouldn't trade these for anything. But after reading this article, I realize that in almost all cases, we're different enough that we can be successful individually without becoming 'a threat' to each other.

Now I find myself in the field where I want to be, and I'm here with a fantastic group of friends who themselves are all looking to succeed in that same field. On a personal level, I like all of them and really enjoy their company, but simultaneously there's that pressure to be close but not TOO close. So while we might hang out on weekends, chat about our lives, share notes and help each other through difficult concepts, you'll never find us sharing our marks with each other. It's a really funny, weird, delicate kind of balance.

I'd be interested to hear what other people's thoughts are...

Spinning my wheels

I hate this feeling. Of knowing where you want to go but being stuck where you are. In between me and freedom:

1 Oncology Final
1 Comprehensive Exam
1 Practice of Medicine and Denstistry Exam
1 Breast Exam OSCE
2 History Taking OSCEs
2 Physical Exam OSCEs
at least 4 hours (although he owes us way more) of Gilbert Scholars (read: clinical skills teaching)

I have 22 days to learn 2 years' worth of material. Awesome...