Home again.

This time it's slightly bittersweet because I didn't want to return as badly as I have in previous years. Honestly, last night I had my doubts about whether or not I still belonged here. We've all grown up, all moved on to other things, other groups of friends, other people. When I return I sometimes feel as if I'm intruding. Who am I to run off for 2/3 of the year, and then come back for the remaining 1/3 and expect to be welcomed back with open arms? But tonight I feel somewhat reassured. That although circumstances I have changed, the people that I truly love haven't. And that we are, despite distance and not enough phone calls, still kindreds. It's a nice, warm, fuzzy, pink, enveloping type of feeling.

My house bears a faint resemblance to a refugee camp at the moment. It's a little sad. Two of my housemates have moved out already, so I'm sitting on the floor in one of the empty rooms using Keith's laptop to blog. The rooms have been stripped of the personalities of their past tenants and there are no longer any physical objects to remind me of the good times we've had in this house.

Ignore my last blog. In the end, I still love this house and love the people who lived here. When I met them in first year, I never dreamed that we'd become as close as we did. In some ways, I prefer that we were comfortably rude rather than formally polite with each other. These people were my home for a little bit and overall, I'd say it's been a pretty good time. Wow, I'm getting nostalgic...not to mention teary. I think I cried a record of 7 times yesterday. At the end, my nose was a bright shade of fuschia and my eyes were so puffy that blinking became an effort. Goodbye Vivien!!! Have fun in Taiwan!!! I'll be sure to send you lots of coded email if necessary (hehe).

The most disturbing thing happened yesterday. I was walking with two of my housemates, all three of us are Chinese, and by coincidence, all three of us were wearing black. Then, from a nearby car, we heard someone shout out a bunch of racial remarks. Maybe I'm naive, but never in my life did I think that this would happen to me. I was upset, and I told one of my friends (who's black) about the incidence and she remarked that something like that hadn't even happened to her. We like to think that we live in a society that's enlightened, that if we surround ourselves with friends, family, and a good church, that we're somehow immune to the stupidity of other people.

My housemate Keith and I had an interesting talk the other day. We were discussing another person who continues to be inconsiderate and really messy, even though this party knows that the dirt and filth really bother me. And in my opinion, I've already been pretty tolerant when it comes to the messiness. Most of the time, I come in, I see the mess and I just start cleaning it without asking whose it is. I just do it because we share this space and it's what you do to make things a little easier for everybody. But after a while, you just get fed up. When you consistently come in late at night and every night there's crap everywhere, you just don't want to be at home after a while. You'd just rather pretend that it wasn't sitting there.

Keith was making fun of me because to a certain extent, I live in a bit of a bubble, and maybe he's right. I've grown up in a Christian church surrounded by lots of love. I've never been mistreated. Though certain things and certain people will never cease to annoy me, I've never really experienced hating someone. I was trying to explain to him that in this little bubble, we fall over ourselves trying to get to the dishes first. We go out of our way to make sure that other people aren't annoyed with us. You don't normally come to the realization that there's something deficient with your behavior and then continue to do it. Who knows? This sojourn outside the bubble is probably something that's good, and inevitable, and necessary. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.

I have a really bad habit of forgetting birthdays. Though I remembered Sam's, I would have forgotten Andrea's had it not been for certain nagging reminders =) It's gotten to the point where everytime another birthday comes around, others start sending me reminders a week in advance. And those little ICQ birthday reminders are a godsend.

Case in point: Candice's birthday this year. One week before, Trudy messaged "Dez, don't forget Candice's birthday is in one week". 3 days before, I got a message from Andrea. The day before, I got an email from Trudy. The day of, I got messages from both of them...I still forgot. I would read those messages, think to myself 'oh right! Can's birthday!' and then I would go merrily on my way. Finally at 10:30 at night, Trudy sends a message that says "Dez, call Candice right now! You only have an hour and half until midnight!"

I'd like to think I'm improving. Last year, I was living with Andrea and she reminded me about Candice's birthday everytime she saw me. I still ended up calling Candice the day after. Oops...

Haha, anyways, this blog for Andrea is quickly turning into a blog about me (funny how that happens =)

Happy Birthday Andy =) No birthday would be complete without a truly embarrassing tale, and since I had the privilege of living with Andrea all last year, there are so many for me to choose from. But my absolutely favorite is from Andrea's advanced step class.

Andrea has the best workout shirt in the world. It's purple, obscenely purple. And it has this huge picture of Grimace (the McDonalds character) on it. So whenever Andrea wears it to the gym, she's blaringly obvious. One day, Andrea got to step class a little late and had to take a place right up at the front of the room, dead centre. Halfway through the class, Mae (the best aerobics instructor in the world!) starts doing this really complicated step called "around the world". It involved moving around the step in a clockwise direction while switching heels. So when Andrea thinks she's mastered the rather tricky footwork, she decides to start throwing in the arm motions. Bad move, she ends up flat on her butt in the middle of the aerobics studio with everyone looking at her and her bright purple Grimace shirt. Even Mae went 'ooh' and grimaced (hehe, get it?) with sympathy.

A few random happy blogs:

1) I only have one Cogro shift left =) That's the happiest thing I've written all year.

2) Sam Mo: I realize that your birthday is actually April 20, but it's 1 AM and since I'm up and my day hasn't ended yet, I figure it still counts. I wrote a message on your car window yesterday, but the rain washed it off, and I couldn't make it out today to re-decorate. Instead, I'll write it here. It went something like: "psst... Sam... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! " And then there was a picture of me doing my boxers vs. briefs impression which I will not reproduce here. I'm also very sorry that I couldn't make it out for your surprise, but I was working (ref. point 1).

3) I have an interview at U of A =) I'll post all the relevant information here so I don't get asked repeatedly and get selfishly annoyed (ref. April 19 blog). Friday, May 21 at 10:00 AM. I won't know the results until the end of June. For those of you who could pray for me, I would greatly appreciate it =)

That's all for now folks =) I desperately need to shower =) But that was more than all of you need to know...

"You don't sew with forks. Why would you eat with knitting needles?"
~Miss Piggy on eating Chinese food

Every now and then, the realization that I am not doing enough in this world smacks me right in the face. To start with, I'm not a very social person. This isn't saying that I'm anti-social, just that the number of people with whom I'm truly comfortable and open with is rather small. I love to chat and laugh, but alot of the time I'm pretty uncomfortable with people that I don't really know and it really takes a lot of effort on my part to talk to someone new.

Tonight, it really hit me that I haven't done enough to reach out to the people around me here in Kingston. That I haven't done enough to love them and to be supportive of them. Then, after talking to some of my close friends and reading their blogs, it hit me that I don't even do enough to support the people that I purport to care about. That I had failed many people - acquaintances, casual friends, close friends, best friends, family - I hadn't done enough to remind them that I did in fact, care.

Not only that. I realized that I'd been responding to other people's caring with ingratitude. I get asked about med school applications at least 3 or 4 times a week. At first I didn't mind, I knew that people were curious about my future and what my plans were, and I appreciated that they took the time to ask. But after having repeated my answer to multiple parties on multiple occasions, I started to get annoyed. I started to rattle off an automatic answer about being unsure of my future, and these acts of kindness really started to grate on my nerves. Tonight I realize how selfish I've been. That I've been so lucky to be surrounded by a fellowship and people who do genuinely care, and that it's about time I started returning some of that care to others.

Deny, Deny, Deny...

When I was young, my mother and I liked to play pretend at being chimps. Every now and then she'd sit down on a chair in the kitchen and I would have the dubious honor of going through her hair and pulling out all the white ones. It bore a faint resemblence to the Industrial Revolution - my small hands were better suited towards manipulating the tweezers and pulling out all those hairs by their roots. Eventually, child labor laws forced her to surrender the battle and just dye it black.

Tonight, I revisited those memories. Instead of studying eicosanoids, adrenoreceptors and bioavailability, I had the privilege of watching one of my friends (who shall remain unnamed) sit at her kitchen table trying to fight the inevitable. But those 11 white hairs she held in her hand were impossible to deny. We're getting older my friends...

Lately I've had to deal with the idea of being on my own. It sounds stupid I know. I know I'm not truly on my own, and that I'm surrounded by brothers and sisters who would be more than happy to help cheer me up on a blue day. But it's more than that. It's not just having people who are willing to help you out, it's having people who truly want to have you around.

My best friends are all going to be out of town this summer. Candice has an amazing opportunity to minister in China (and get in some OT experience), Andrea is going to be working in Toronto and Trudy is going to be working and spending family time in Edmonton. Then when I come back to Queen's in the fall, Vivien is going back home to Toronto to do a nursing degree, and it's stupid and childish but I feel well and truly abandoned.

I know that we don't find ourselves in other people, that our friends don't MAKE us. That theoretically I am an organic whole and that if I rely on anything or anyone, it should be God. But these are the people who knew me when I was not yet whole - when I wasn't confident, or secure, or knew what I wanted to do in life. When I had bangs and glasses and braces and bad skin all at the same time =) They know the ugly sides of me that I try to hide from most people. And the idea that I'm going to be spending a few months on my own without people that I truly trust and confide in is scary in a way.

It's funny. Somehow I thought I had left the "going to the bathroom in a group" mentality behind in Gr. 7. That by the time I had reached the ripe-old age of 20, I should be able to stand alone and be fine with that. But I'm not. In my head, I need to know that although I might physically be on my own in that proverbial bathroom stall, my friends are still standing right outside the door cheering me on while I um...do my business? Wow, this metaphor just got a bit out of hand =)

Yay! It's Wednesday afternoon and clearly, I made it through my "3 days of finals hell" alive. The things that kept me going throughout the ordeal:

1) Viv's cooking
Don't laugh! Any food, including instant Viv's instant noodles and omelettes (which got all over her stove top btw) is better than going into a final on an empty stomach

2) Power naps
One of my friends has recently started studying for 45 minutes then napping for the next 30. It's not a bad idea!

3) C-A-F-F-E-I-N-E
In the morning when I first wake up, after lunch to ward off those post-meal sleepies, after dinner for the same reason, and sometimes just for the pure joy of it =)

I'm done slacking now =) Back to work...

There are some random pictures of our Easter brunch on Viv's blog for those who are interested. For some reason, I'm pointing at myself in all of them. Specifically, I'm pointing at my cheeks. Why? I don't know. Maybe because of all the food I have stuffed in them? Maybe to indicate that in those pictures, my mouth is closed for once.

I find it odd that Vivien considers it necessary to laugh when she says "my house (& dez, *laughs*)".

Not only is that a serious overuse of punctuation, she's indicating that there's something wrong with my being there ALL the time.

Viv, it's not MY fault that:
a) you live nearby
b) we're both lazy and don't like to cook for one person
c) the number of '05 girls is dwindling and both of our ex-housemates have ditched us =)
d) you just happen to enjoy eating as much as I do
e) you're generally awesome =)

Today I joined Viv's house to celebrate Easter and the end of Lent (for 5 hours!!!). For those of you following my coffee story, it's like I've been released from prison...that first sip was heaven =) But now I really need to study...

Some random moments from today:

- Vivien and Katie taking whipped cream shots
- Trying to rearrange the fridge, but spilling juice all over the floor, the bottom of my pants and my socks. Coming home in borrowed clothes.
- Vivien's "baggy" jeans are starting to cut off the circulation in my thighs (see entry from April 8th)
- Saying "I really need to study guys!" and then staying an extra 2 hours to watch 'The Wedding Planner'
- Dress rehearsals for Naamah's surprise

Ok, but now I REALLY need to study. No, really, no more time wasting. Right now...

My friend Trudy has a new blog which is much prettier than my own. I'm so jealous of her pretty colors and elegant layout that I'm getting all choked up, so that's all I'll say about that =) Haha, go check it out!

If this is stress: '!'
Then this is me: '!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

Biochemistry is the bane of my existence.

No, I'm not at all melodramatic.

Other things going on in my life:

The good people at CCORT have decided to give me free money and a free vacation. Yes! Haha, more accurately, I have a stipend for my research work this summer, and as an added bonus they're paying for me to go to this scientific meeting in Toronto in June! And hopefully I'll have time to visit Queen's ppl while I'm out here =)

Last night, a 'quick' praise practice turned into 4.5 hours! And despite coming home at 3 and being extremely drowsy this morning, it was lots of fun and relatively painless given the circumstances.

Yawn! Ok, must study now.

I've come to the realization that the strongest muscles in my body are either the ones in my:

1) Jaw
Yapping or chewing, they get a pretty good workout most days

2) Right hand wrist muscles
I'm a nerd, it's exam time, what can I say?

How was this revelation brought upon me? Last night after dinner, Marina, Pris, James and I decided to have a wall-sitting competition. I spent more time sitting on the floor rubbing my sore muscles and watching the other 3 try to outlast each other, than I spent actually competing.

My only comfort was that Vivien didn't take part in the competition, so there was a faint chance that I could still possibly be tougher than her.

When everyone else had left, we had our own one-on-one wall sit-off (wow, check out the alliteration in that last sentence!). Once again, I quickly found myself on the floor trying to get the blood back into my quads while watching her turn various shades of fuschia. Aiy...this summer, this summer...I swear I will make better use of my gym membership.

My tirade for the day:

I am this *holds fingers an inch apart* close to quitting. I know I said before that Ham Girl and Smoothie Crew don't affect me, but I lied.

Tonight after yelling 'medium chai!!!' twice, I put the drink on the counter as I normally do and waited for the truant to come and claim his/her drink. 5 minutes later, someone comes up and asks 'what is this?'. I tell them, and instead of a 'Thanks!' or a 'Sorry for making you yell so loudly the entire lounge and most of the Ceilidh can hear you', I get a very sarcastic 'Well thanks for letting us know'.

What is wrong with you people? That's right, I mean you. Mr. or Mrs. act like a complete pig and leave your newspapers, cups and plates all over the lounge/act snooty when you have to wait an extra 5 minutes/stand there gabbing with your friends while I scream your order at the top of my lungs and then mutter under your breath when everyone behind the servery shoots you the dirtiest look they know. Do my job for one day. In fact, work in the service industry for one day and you will realize that you are not, in fact, all that. That the way in which you treat service staff says a great deal about your personality, and that most people remember you at your worst.

Harumph...

My whole house went out to dinner together tonight. That's pretty rare for us, because between my schedule and Melinda's schedule and Keith's incredible keenness, it isn't often that even 3 of us sit down together. Seeing as it's the end of the year and we've gotten to know each other a little better, we thought we'd try and analyze each other's little habits. Things my housemates pointed out about me tonight:

1) I'm unbelievably clumsy.

I fall down stairs. Sometimes, I fall while going up stairs. Sometimes, I misjudge the distance between my shoulder and the doorframe and we collide.

2) I'm absent-minded.

I eat an apple, and leave it halfway for a piece of Victor's pizza. Two days later, he points out that my apple is still sitting in the living room. I forget to turn off lights and taps. I remember to wash my dishes, but forget the pan. I leave sour cream out overnight. My housemates have lost count of the number of times they've had to wash my blue coffee mug. I used a plastic rice paddle as a spatula for stirfry, and ended up with melted plastic on the bottom of the pan.

3) I leave a trail behind me.

They can come into the kitchen after I've been in there, look at which drawers and which cupboards are open, and be able to tell exactly what I was making. They can tell when I've taken a shower because a small ocean has taken the place of our bathroom floor. Mike's room is now waterfront property.

Haha, in my defence:
1) Yes I'm clumsy =)

2) Yes I'm absent minded.

But please understand that if something I forget to do affects you, then it's not at all personal. It's just me! And I replace the things I melt =) And when I wash the dishes, I wash any extra dishes which are sitting there, not just my own! (Unlike SOME housemates I know who shall remain unnamed)

3) I didn't know I was leaving puddles! Really! If you'd told me earlier, I would have fixed it! But you never said anything!

Since I'm on the topic of my housemates, Melinda has a blog describing her upcoming trip to Pickle Lake. It's for Queen's Medical Outreach (QMO) and they do lots of good things for people in Guyana, Belize, and Northern Ontario, as well as organizing a speaker series, putting out a newsletter and other things. So yes, when I finally get up to posting a link, check out her blog if you have the time, because it's a very worthwhile cause. My plug for the day =)

Haha, never have I set out to do so much and yet accomplished so little =) This is how my day was SUPPOSED to go:
10:00 Shower
10:30 Grocery shop
11:00 Brunch
11:30 Study like a fool
6:00 Meet Pris and Viv for dinner and relax the rest of the night

Here is how my day has gone so far:
10:30 Shower and bum around watching tv and playing free cell!
11:30 Call Viv
12:00 Lunch
12:15 Run into Pris unexpectedly in the restaurant
3:00 We finally leave the restaurant. Run around for an hour picking up groceries and flowers
4:00 Finally get home, ooh maybe i can work for an hour?
5:15 I'm sitting here blogging instead of studying for finals.

Aah!!! Why is procrastination so easy???

Labs have taken over my life this week. I've discovered I really need to learn to allocate my time better. My 15% Pharm lab was 12 pages long and at least 75% of it was made up of figures. Conversely, my 3% Biochemistry lab was 14 pages and was nothing but text, minus one teeny graph.

Tomorrow is the last day of class! Before you know it, it'll be all day, every day at Stauffer. Boourns!

Finally, on a non-nerdy, non-school related note: HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEVIN LEE!!!

Haha, the baby of our group (only by a month and a bit, but still!) and the last one to turn 20! My fellow Albertan-in-exile and an all-around cool guy. Have a good one Kev =)

(Why does this feel like a yearbook message?)