Big thanks to the awesome ppl who are a consistent reminder of God's presence here on Earth.

I blame my last post mostly on myself for being self-indulgent and feeling sorry for myself, partly on PMS for playing around with my hormone levels, and only slightly on Edmonton =) To the girls TruAndCan (hehe, get it?), Ah Ling, Kev, and Sam - thanks for being amazingly wonderfully supportive while I cry numerous times on your shoulder(s). *Love*

The last couple of days have had me doing a lot of thinking, and not of the scholastic variety. I've been in Edmonton about 4 weeks now and I'm sad to say it isn't getting any easier. I love medicine and the things that I'm learning but other than that I'm finding it really hard to be happy here. To be honest, I miss Kingston like mad. I miss KCCF and watching the frosh rodeo at retreat, I miss my house, our Thursday night TV parties and greasy food, I miss Viv and her ridiculously loud housemates and poutine and I think I might even miss the Common Ground (though not the customers). I miss Tim Horton's coffee breaks and knowing that there'll always be someone I know studying on the fourth floor of Stauffer. I miss knowing where I belong, what I'm supposed to do, who my friends are.

This is hard to say because med school has always been a dream for me, but being here feels more like going back to high school than anything else. The cliques have arrived and while on the surface I belong, I don't. And the little voice inside of me breathes a huge sigh at the end of the day and goes "Whew! Thank God I don't have to make small talk anymore". And the little stress of trying to figure out where I belong and making believe that I'm ok has been building inside me until the only way in which I get rid of the frustration is to act like a complete b*tch to those who I love.

Why is this so bittersweet? To be exactly where you've always wanted to be, but to be constantly looking backwards at what you had?

Some things I learned in class today:

Marrying your cousins really isn't that bad!
First cousins only share 1/8th of their genetic material. And when you get into things like 2nd and 3rd cousins the chances of your children inheriting a condition drop down almost to the population level. Even so...marrying your cousin??? Eew...

Dude looks like a lady
It's possible to be genetically male, yet develop as a female. It happens when you lack the appropriate receptors to respond to male sex hormones resulting in the development of female genitalia. Can you imagine being 14 - having to deal with acne and braces and your over-protective parents and self-image and boys, wondering why you aren't getting your period and then realizing that it's because you ARE a boy??? Yikes, you hear about things like this and you realize you really don't have it so bad...

I am tired and my patience has started to wear very thin. At the end of the day the smallest things annoy me, things which under normal circumstances are trivial nothings. Patience and self-control which have taken years to cultivate are eliminated the instant things start to go awry and I am sick of using fatigue as an excuse for treating people badly.

If I'd gone back to Queens this year I would have had the world's most amazing schedule. 10 hours of class and Thursdays off in fall! 8 hours of class and Wednesdays off in winter! 2 full credits of correspondence courses (ie. read and memorize the textbook then engage in academic bulimia), plenty of weekend trips to Toronto =)

But this schedule is really starting to wear me down. 8:30 every day, 3 or 4 hours of lecture in a row, a very sore tush. I know the engineers reading this right now probably think I have no right to complain, after all they've been doing this for years with labs on top! But today I was just barely holding it together. Came home afterwards and slept for 3 hours, and when I woke up I panicked because I thought I had slept until morning =) And it only gets worse from here. If I'm this tired in Intro block (where luckily I've been through most of this material before), how is it going to be when the material is brand new to me? What about next year when each block only lasts a few weeks and there's a midterm and final for each block? What about when I have to go on-call for 36 hours!

They tell you that your body will get used to it, that you'll accomodate and learn to live with less sleep but I'm finding that a little difficult to believe at the moment. Certain surgeons are renown for being able to survive on about 4 hours a night, I'm ready to collapse if I have less than 7. This'll be a long 4 years...

Tonight I had dinner with some fellow first year meds and their friends, then we all went to ECAC for fellowship. I think this is the first night when I've felt that life in Edmonton might actually be enjoyable, not just tolerable.

Just finished watching the Apprentice. At a recent meeting I was at they asked us to name our theme song, the song that plays in your head as you walk down the street. For the entry of Donald Trump, the producers decided to play a processional. I sometimes wonder if I'm the only person who realizes the mockery that goes on in this show. You have to stand in awe of a man who thinks so highly of himself he doesn't realize he's being made blatantly made fun of in front of a national audience on his own show.

Med school students are a lot like locusts - we have an uncanny ability to locate free stuff/food, we swarm, we consume all the resources and we get out. Today a group of rural physicians held a recruitment fair. Definitely one of the more interesting booths was that of the Canadian Armed Forces. They pay you while you're completing your last 3 years of medical school (enough for tuition and living!), they pay you while you complete your residency and then you work with them for 4 years where you start at a salary of $100 000!!! At the moment, that's more money that I can conceive of.

The downsides:
1) Basic Training =(
2) You have to train as a GP, although they do give you option to do specialist training (which they will of course pay for), you just have to serve with them for 6 years instead of 4
3) You're at their beck and call - they can send you to Kosovo, Rwanda, Cyprus, Afghanistan etc. Great if you're into international medicine and want to do humanitarian work.
4) Increased probability of death

I'm really not a morning person. Yesterday morning I somehow managed to convince myself that it was actually night time, opened up my contact lens case, proceeded to rinse it out, and then tried to remove my contacts. Now, in addition to scratched corneas, I am minus one left contact. Genius me...

A really, dull, quiet Friday afternoon. Nobody home but me, no homework to do, no TV to kill the time with, no one to call. But I like it this way sometimes. After 2 weeks of absolutely craziness this is the first time I've sat down and had even just a little bit of time to myself. I had planned to go out and climb and meet people, but I'm so tempted to stay in, relax and just have 'me' time.

Won't somebody please, PLEASE prescribe me some codeine and knock me out? I've had the world's nastiest cold, the big-girl version of the frosh flu, for the last week and it's becoming a challenge to breathe because of the coughing. I feel like I have smoker's lungs. Trying to fall asleep at night is pretty freaking impossible, because you can't sleep when you have to get up and hack every 5 minutes. Ever cough until you feel like you're gonna puke? Sounds yummy doesn't it? Today I learned that once you've puked up everything but the kitchen sink, you start to puke green bile. I wonder if there's a coughing equivalent...

Day 3 of class and things are definitely looking up. We had our first small group problem-solving session today and I'm absolutely surrounded by keeners =) People actually came prepared, people volunteered answers, people asked questions!

And it occurs to me that I'm now in a very different situation. From now on I can expect to be average, I may even be below average. And that's ok - not ideal, but it is ok, and that's such a strange concept to get used to. Also the idea that we're no longer supposed to be competing with each other is so foreign from the life sci "must get into med school at all costs" mentality. Of course this is all talk and in reality the competition will always be there, but you can definitely feel the difference in attitude and I have to say, it's very refreshing.

I HAVE INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 2 of Med School and it's just a teensy bit overwhelming. The schedule seems to change daily and our everyday lectures are interspersed with group problem-solving sessions, seminars, clinical skills, physician shadowing and lots of other good stuff. It's never the same schedule twice and showing up at the right place at the right time will be a challenge in and of itself =)

The rest of my life is settling itself too. All the furniture is finally bought and assembled and the boxes tucked away, my sister and I have settled into a little bit of a routine that can accomodate both of our living styles, and there are a few good friends living within walking distance. I know I haven't been overly appreciative of this opportunity that I've been given, but over the weekend I made the decision that I would at the very least, give it a try. Various friends have written to remind me of how horribly miserable I was when I first went away from undergrad and it's surprising how quickly we forget unhappiness once we find a niche. Hopefully this time will be like that too.

That being said, on another "I hate Edmonton" note: It's supposed to snow here tomorrow. It's the first freaking week of September and it's supposed to snow. Argh...