Once again... it's late at night/early in the morning.

Today was just a blah kinda day y'know? I woke up and the weather was miserable. I grumbled as I gulped down my mandatory early morning tea, I grumbled as I shuffled into my winter jacket, I grumbled as I trudged across the road to the hospital. I grumbled through my complete waste-of-time 2 hr. lecture on drugs in renal failure, grumbled as I trudged back home for lunch, grumbled as I trudged back again to administer a survey, grumbled as I came home once again. And then I let myself sink into miserable self-pity and isolation.

Days like this I wonder about my own emotional capability to deal with the years ahead. This year has been tough but not impossible. Next year will be even worse and I don't even want to think about 3rd year. Today, I was transcribing some of the comments from the 2nd year surveys and it was amazing how much bitterness they had stored up inside of them over the last three years.

"When I started med school, I was enthusiastic and willing to learn. Endless hours in a sunless room, mindless memorization, no patient contact and lack of real life context has turned me into a very bitter, cynical and angry med student".

I don't want to become like that. I don't want to deal with the emotional difficulties of the next few years. I cried for the first time in class yesterday because they started telling sob stories about sick kids. Some days I just don't know how to handle it.

Sorry the blogs have been terse lately. My life is currently being consumed by the anatomy lab. I one-upped the 6th sense kid - I both see and smell dead people. Plus, going on MSN has become rather depressing lately. Everywhere I go "I'm done!". "I'm free!" - well I'm NOT! And the thought of all the Kingstonians frolicking around in the sun while I pickle in the formaldehyde-drenched atmosphere of anatomy lab has me uber-bitter.

But hey, on the bright side I still have a summer research job. After explaining (rather bluntly) my financial circumstances to my prof, I have the job I want for the time period that I want for the price that I want. Well, no, technically that last part isn't true because if I had my way she would offer enough to cover three years' worth of tuition and more, but considering that this is research and you can often find yourself making less than minimum wage, I got an OK deal.

Yay for Candice because she will soon be joining the working world and will be helping me pay for groceries when they finally cut my power (right, Can???) . And because it's so exciting to see her moving into this next stage of life, sure of herself, sure of where she's supposed to be and how she should be serving =)

A very long day today. 3.5 hours in CCU, a quick lunch, 4!!! hours in PBL, 2.5 hours in anatomy lab and I'm spent. This had better be worth it...

Oh craps...Happy Belated Birthday An! I'm really hoping your card got there in time, even though my phone call/blog post didn't. Darn it...need new brain...

I could be doing more PHELO studying, but I won't. Sometimes in order to maintain your sanity, you just gotta let one slide. And of all the exams I could let slide, this would probably be the best one. So at least I'm choosing my failures carefully.

I spent a few hours in the CCU (Cardiac Care Unit) today. Going in, I thought I had a fairly good grasp of Cardiology, but after half an hour of rounds I knew - I know nothing. Aiy! And it's only one more year till we go on wards. My patients are so screwed...

I've been spending more and more of my time in the hospital lately. Most days I leave the house at 8 and I don't come back till 4 or 5. Then sometimes I'll go back to work in the hospital gym, that's 9-10 hours a day. And to think, it only gets better from here. That by the time I graduate I will have spent hundreds, thousands of hours in the hospital. That I will have an MD behind my name, but no youth, no energy and no money. Yargh...

3 more weeks of school left, let the countdown begin!

These next few weeks are gonna be a tad insane for me. I have to start and finish my 12-hr. elective in Cardiology (yups, Plastics didn't really work out for me. Those surgeons are a finicky bunch), write 7 exams, 6 of which will be in the same week, throw in a quickie 24 hr. reunion, some quality Candice time and loads and loads of cramming and you have my life until the beginning of May.

Very sad to say that kidneys aren't really growing on me. They're kinda like divas. Very picky, very selective about what's let through, what isn't, what and how much they choose to reabsorb. On top of that they like to throw diva tantrums. You have an infection, they malfunction. Your blood pressure goes up, they malfunction. You sneeze wrong, they malfunction. If anyone out there (hint: Ah Ling) could explain to me metabolic acidosis and alkalosis, how it affects all the various exchangers, and how the heck I'm supposed to remember it all, it would be much appreciated. Goodnight all!

Argh, AHFMR has denied me funding.

Option A: start looking in a completely unrelated field (back to good old barista-ing)
Option B: look in a quasi-related field (kids' summer camps etc.)
Option C: settle for a full four months of work at a substandard level of pay.

Happy 22nd Birthday to Yeng!

The only other medical student I know who still plays with stuffed animals (hers have voices too!)

Feeling kinda blah today. Went into a conversation wanting to cheer up, wanting to focus on how blessed we have been in this life, and came out more depressed than I was before. Aiy...

Another block done and only one more to go. Unfortunately it's kidneys, my least favorite of all the organs. Well, spleens don't really do much for me either but they're considerably less complicated than the kidney and are therefore much easier to cram for.

My last few days have been spent cramming for the pulmonary exam, being pummeled by the pulmonary exam, crying over the pulmonary exam and then slowly picking myself off of the floor. Friday night was a friend's birthday so we went out for crepes at "the most romantic restaurant in all of Edmonton". I give it a 5/10. Food was half decent, service was LOUSY! I tipped a penny for the first (and hopefully last) time in my life. Then we partied our pulmonary sorrows away at Bar Wild, and then! I discovered Edmonton poutine! That's right, there is poutine post-Viv.

Saturday night I shadowed in Peds ER. Definitely my best shadowing experience so far. One child came in with an overwhelming systemic bacterial infection (aka septic shock), and he was so sick he turned purple. His face and chest were a light lavender and his arms and legs were a deep royal purple. But the doctors there were able to save him. Within about 10 minutes they had dumped 2L of saline into his tiny little body (keeping in mind that an adult probably has about 5 or 6L of blood in them), and it raised his blood pressure by a measly 7 or 8 mmHg. But it was enough to keep him alive and he's most likely recovered by now.

Another kid came in who gave himself a wicked concussion falling off his scooter. Because of this he had anterograde amnesia (couldn't make any new memories since the accident, think Memento), and every 2-3 minutes, would ask me if the year was still 2005 because he really couldn't remember a single thing. Poor kid, he was the most pleasant confused person I have ever met, but luckily he was improving by the time I left.

Late at night. I should be sleeping or studying Pulmonary but instead my brain starts to turn (finally! It's only about 16 hours late!) I had an end-of-life panel discussion in class today that made me think alot. About how I would want to die if I were destined to die tomorrow. About whether or not that would change were I destined to die 80 years from now *crosses fingers* About why it is that as a society, we have this fear of death, of having to "pull the plug" on someone when it may have been what they themselves would have chosen could they do so. About how I should instead be thinking about Life, and how I would live if tomorrow was my last day.

On a cheerier sidenote, team "3 Asian girls" beat out team "2/3 Asian boys" for the leadership of the emergency club =) So I will be spending a good part of next year organizing shadows and talks and teaching seminars, and if all goes well, EMS ridealongs! The asian thing is one of those curiosities that I've started to notice more and more. It amazes me that in a class that's about 75% Caucasian, I end up in small group after small group that is comprised of only Asians. Seriously, the odds of that happening for a group of 4 is a mere 0.3%! So why has this happened 3 times so far this year?

Speaking of screwed up odds, I am long, looooooooooooong overdue to be winning at "Roll up the Rim". Odds of that are about 1 in 9. To my count, I have bought 13 large double-doubles since this contest started and nada, niente!

Happy Birthday Kev!!!

Wish I coulda been there to cook you breakfast (no bacon though, you eat enough bacon as it is), and give you that massage you're always whining about and take you out for dinner and bring you a swanky present (you can have your OWN Gregory!) , but I guess you'll have to settle for a mushy card, a raincheck and a shout-out =(