For someone who would never dream of becoming a surgeon, I'm REALLY liking surgery. Other than the early starts (6AM! But you get used to it after a bit), it's really alot of fun. They almost always let you scrub into the OR so you see some really fascinating procedures up close, clinic moves really fast and you end up doing quite a few procedures anyways and I don't even mind losing sleep while on call because the emergency surgeries are usually pretty cool.

And they let me stitch up some idiot in Emerg who got drunk, stole a car, and promptly drove it into a tree. They hate people like that so much, they turn the med students loose on them =)

From now on, TWO alarm clocks located at least 6 feet away from my bed. ARGH!!!

Just when you think you know what you're doing this happens...

This was the last patient of my Peds elective. Young girl, just graduated from high school, suffering from pretty severe depression over the last year. Has just failed her 3rd antidepressent and we recommend that she try psychotherapy in addition to her medications. Then she asks to speak to us alone and the following much-abbreviated conversation ensues...

Patient: Um...I've been feeling like life is pretty hopeless these last few months. I don't think these meds are really doing it for me.
Doc: Have you ever thought about killing yourself?
Patient: Yeah, but I t jusdon't think I'd have the guts to do it.
Doc: Well have you made a plan?
Patient: No, not yet.
Doc: That's good. I hope you take my advice and think about trying some counselling. Because medications are a start to treating your depression, but sometimes there are other factors which can contribute to it and it might be a good idea to address some of those.
Patient: Yeah, I think I know what the main reason might be, like why I feel so hopeless and stuff...
Doc: Oh, would you like to tell me?
Patient: Um...well...

*several agonizing minutes of awkward silence go by. Preceptor looks at patient, patient stares at her shoes and twists her mouth into a half-grimace. I try to ignore the fact that it's 5:30 and I would really like to heading home just about now*

Patient: Sometimes, actually always, I wish I'd been born a boy.

Whoa.

Kev likes to make me answer uncomfortable questions (he and Tru would say deep, I say uncomfortable), one of those questions being whether or not I had someone who I considered a mentor. And I never did until now. Not really anyways. There were always people who I looked up to, people who I could sometimes turn to for advice. But for the most part, personal growth was something I pushed through alone. But wow, what a difference one person can make (how cliche =) I started out this elective subconsciously wanting to hate it, wanting to cross things off of my potential career path list. I ended up really liking it AND now have an incredible amount of respect for the woman whose taken me under her wing for the last 3 weeks. No one could ever accuse her of not caring. And while I still can't say for sure if this is the field I want to spend the rest of my life in, I gladly would if she could be the person who would shepherd me through.

Cheese...

Had a weird dream last night, not scary, but disquieting. Every so often, the past finds a way of intruding upon your life. There's a lot of guilt still over a situation that happened almost 3.5 years ago now. Not what I said, how I said it. Made for a pensive day; not sad, just not happy.

Patient: How old are you? Are you old enough to be doing this? Are you 16?
Me: Nope
Patient: 18?
Me: Nope
Patient 20?
Me: Keep going...

All this from a girl who herself was only 13.

Been thinking about friendships lately and what that means at this stage in life. One of the things about university is that everyone is always moving. From a change in dorm rooms to changing houses to switching programs to moving across the country to attend a different school. Compound this by the fact that we're now in 3rd year and all operating on our own schedules. What you formally thought of as a friendship is stretched by time and space, nevermind shifting personal dynamics. When is a friendship really a friendship? Is a friendship that is so easy to let slide really a friendship? People say that a true friend is someone who you can not talk to for years and when you meet them again, it's like hardly any time has passed. But if they were really your friend, why didn't you talk to them for years in the first place?

I used to think you could split your friends into several groups, namely:
1) Not your friend - why even bother pretending that you're close? You both know you're not so let's not waste any time.
2) Your friend
3) Don't even bother hiding. They look at you, they know.

But the lines are blurring, and then what role do you play?

On to community pediatrics =) Overall, neuro went great. Had some very nice preceptors, some great residents and learned and saw lots (a case of GBS, some MS, a few brain tumors, a lot of seizures and TONS of strokes). The days were long and we didn't eat/drink/pee very much but it was really interesting and I'd be interested to spend more time in the field.

Now though, my days are much shorter. This new preceptor is one of those blessed docs who tries very hard to lead a balanced life so at the most, I work 6 hours/day. Much cuter patients, less quizzing, a chance to eat lunch and a lot of independence. The physical exam is not quite as rigorous and as a person, she's less 'cerebral' and much more patient/family focused which is a nice change.

Before I started these two electives, I was almost hoping that I would hate one of them. That way, I could cross one more thing off of the list and would have a better idea of what specialty I finally want to do. But everyone is so nice and all of the patients are so great that I'm still no closer to deciding than I was before this all started =(

Last but not least, huge congratulations to Trudy =) Who's finally seeing all that hard work pay off. Dear, were we there/were you here, you know there would be plenty of food involved to make this a proper congratulations. But we'll have to raincheck until we see you again (not soon enough) and there will be many tasty treats at that reunion =)